When I Go Down

Clue went great on Friday. It was a lot of fun as always.

On Saturday I went to the Station after work with most everyone that works at Hage's. BTW Dave, I think I've realized the folly of my ways for working in the "devil's marketplace." I'm hatching a plan to take them down from the inside.

I spent a lot of time thinking on Sunday. There were/are some definite things I needed to change in my life. I reached the realization (again) that I can't make any changes without relying on God. Just like Eustace in the Chronicles of Narnia, I can only peel away thin layers of my old self, without ever truly making a difference. I need God to work in order to pierce me to the heart and peel back my old self all the way, making me new again. This song from Relient K really gets to me when I listen/read the lyrics. It's some pretty powerful stuff coming from the band that brought us "Sadie Hawkins Dance." I'll also include a few lines from "Let it All Out," another song that rings true with me.

When I Go Down

I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts I will exclude
this very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet you love me
and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again
and do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
as I exhale I hear your voice
and I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
and from my lips the words I choose to say
seem pathetic, but it's a fallen man's praise
because I love you
oh God, I love you
and life is now worth living
if only because of you
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I life my eyes to you
I won't look very far
cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again
to life me up again
-----
Let it All Out

Let it all out
Get it all out
Rip it out remove it
Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed

Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need...

...And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems to much to bear
Remember
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there.